Turning it Over!

In Step Three, the word “care” has a lot of meaning to me.  To me, it’s an action word.  A reminder to do my best.  I’m not just handing it over and hitting my can to watch how it all turns out.  Hell no.  I have a big part.  To do my very best.  And then…gulp, let the results be what they are.  Looking back, it’s an evolutionary process.  Step Three means something completely different at eight years sober, than it did at one, three, five years etc.

As for the deity part in Step Three, I spend little time there.  I only have to go out in this great big world and travel a bit, or experience nature.  Yes, there is something bigger than me!  And, really, who am I to say otherwise.  I don’t need to burn energy in any debate beyond that.

“Let go or be dragged” is another description, along the lines of Step Three, that means something to me today.  And, it certainly doesn’t mean give up.  Far from it.  What the phrase means to mean is just to put all my energy into doing my best today.  That’s it!  No looking back.  No looking forward.  No disappointment with whatever the result is or isn’t.

It has definitely been a process that has taken time to fully understand and embrace.  I couldn’t let go at one year sober. I had done Step Three and considered it complete.  Read it, said it and believed it. But looking back, I really had no depth of understanding what this Step really meant.  And, looking back, I still hadn’t let go at even five years sober.  I was still looking back, hoping for a better past.  Or, feeling anxious because I just didn’t know about next year, or the following year.  And, that inner critical voice, still critiquing the minute I finished something.  Picking on the small blemish that didn’t go “as planned”.  Or, where I experienced a flash of fear or shame while engaged in what I was doing.   I would hyper focus on that.  Never allowing myself to step back and realize how well things went overall.  And, if it didn’t go well, forget it! Hours of ruthless and crushing inner dialogue persisted.

Once I truly let go, everything changed.  And it hasn’t left.  Every day just keeps getting better the more I am able to let go.

So, if this is what it feels like to have a spiritual awakening, I am all in!

Author: iceman18

For many years, I worked hard to build a charmed life. I had been living that life to the fullest until the time came when I took a precipitous fall into the abyss of alcoholism. Unwittingly, I claimed my family as hostages and took them right along with me. I survived addiction and have been in recovery since February 9, 2007. Since that time I have been working courageously to face down "the ghost" and eliminate the demons of my past. I find that writing My Story has had great therapeutic value. If along the way, my experience can help one person, or maybe even more, well....that would be pretty awesome. I also pray that my blog will help illuminate the generational cycle of child abuse that continues to plague our society today. By bringing awareness to what is often called "Our Nations Shame" I have faith that one day soon we will witness real progress toward the illumination and understanding of child abuse, followed by its eradication from the under belly of mankind. I have faith! But, faith without works is dead. I pray everyday for the strength, the courage, and the resolve, to take action!

2 thoughts on “Turning it Over!”

  1. Thanks for this! I am yet to start on the steps but am looking forward to the process. I definitely feel as though I am having a spiritual awakening. Sobriety is the second best thing that’s happened to me (aside from bringing my son into the world) Peace and hugs x

  2. Hi Iceman,
    Love how you are exploring the differences as you sobriety gets deeper with time. And I kept going over and over the 12 months sober stage, thinking I had sort of done it.
    Thanks
    bren

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