Turning it Over!

In Step Three, the word “care” has a lot of meaning to me.  To me, it’s an action word.  A reminder to do my best.  I’m not just handing it over and hitting my can to watch how it all turns out.  Hell no.  I have a big part.  To do my very best.  And then…gulp, let the results be what they are.  Looking back, it’s an evolutionary process.  Step Three means something completely different at eight years sober, than it did at one, three, five years etc.

As for the deity part in Step Three, I spend little time there.  I only have to go out in this great big world and travel a bit, or experience nature.  Yes, there is something bigger than me!  And, really, who am I to say otherwise.  I don’t need to burn energy in any debate beyond that.

“Let go or be dragged” is another description, along the lines of Step Three, that means something to me today.  And, it certainly doesn’t mean give up.  Far from it.  What the phrase means to mean is just to put all my energy into doing my best today.  That’s it!  No looking back.  No looking forward.  No disappointment with whatever the result is or isn’t.

It has definitely been a process that has taken time to fully understand and embrace.  I couldn’t let go at one year sober. I had done Step Three and considered it complete.  Read it, said it and believed it. But looking back, I really had no depth of understanding what this Step really meant.  And, looking back, I still hadn’t let go at even five years sober.  I was still looking back, hoping for a better past.  Or, feeling anxious because I just didn’t know about next year, or the following year.  And, that inner critical voice, still critiquing the minute I finished something.  Picking on the small blemish that didn’t go “as planned”.  Or, where I experienced a flash of fear or shame while engaged in what I was doing.   I would hyper focus on that.  Never allowing myself to step back and realize how well things went overall.  And, if it didn’t go well, forget it! Hours of ruthless and crushing inner dialogue persisted.

Once I truly let go, everything changed.  And it hasn’t left.  Every day just keeps getting better the more I am able to let go.

So, if this is what it feels like to have a spiritual awakening, I am all in!