I can remember begrudgingly sitting in an AA meeting when I first got sober and an older gentlemen leaning over to me and saying “If you want to stay sober and learn to live and have a better life, you’ll have to learn how to ask for help from others”. Starring straight ahead, without missing a beat, the immediate response from my inner voice was “that’ll never fucking happen!” And so….I suffered for six years as a sober person. Dry drunk, but sober. Man that was painful!
Finally, I had had enough of the constant suffering. I found myself uttering one of those cliché phrases that I hated hearing in those damn AA meeting. “If you are willing to go to any length…”. Yes, I am, and I know where to go.
I fought it hard for six years though. This simple program. This 79 year old book. Yah see, I was different. “I” was smarter! I would write a blog, redouble my efforts with the Therapist that I had been seeing for nine years, read recovery books and medical journals, and join sober online groups – one was actually an anti-AA anarchy group….no shit! It folded after we lost 25% of our membership in one day. Yeah, one of our four members quit.
After six years, I was tired of being a dry drunk. No longer drinking, but just as miserable and feeling it oh so intensely because I no longer altered my mental state. I was of no use to my family, job, friends or myself. That all changed when I let go absolutely. There’s another one of those “hallmarky” AA sayings. I learned the hard way. Or, probably right on time “for me”, that we need others to help us recover. We see when we can see and hear when we can hear. Right?
With the help of a Sponsor, I learned that psychology is the study of human behavior. The discipline wants you to “think” differently so your feelings will change. AA, on the other hand, is the study of our behavior. It is “taking action” for us alcoholics, that changes our thinking, feeling and outlook on life. But, as most of us are educated, and taught to solve problems, we go about studying, reading, seeing therapist…all with the intention of solving “the problem”. Well, the problem is “us”! But, we’re incapable of recognizing it and even more incapable of changing it without the help of others.
No one can help us more than a fellow alcoholic can. And I know where to find lots of alcoholics. I see them daily.
My Story 
Thanks for your very thought provoking post. At nearly 5 months sober and struggling, and still not getting the AA ‘letting go’ this resonates with me. Even my counsellor suggested I shared and spoke to others at AA. At the moment I sit there quietly trying to find the similarities but not fully engaging. So I’m at a crossroads myself, one about being in control of my recovery verses letting go. I honestly don’t know which way I will go at the moment. But I do keep going to meetings. Thx
Don’t drink, no matter what, and go to meetings. Quite frankly, that’s enough for the first year. But, that’s only my opinion. Trust your sponsors guidance.
We want more now! And if we can’t get it, we move on. And, heaven bid, someone is going to tell “ME” what to do! Don’t you know who (I think) I am!!
We drink like an alcohol I for 10..20 years, stop, and then we want everything fixed and a full understanding of recovery the next day. It’s like, hey, I did the work. I stopped drinking. Go ahead, come on, shower praise and adulation my way.
We’re so clueless. We stop abusing alcohol/drugs and want immediate praise and acknowledgement for doing something that people do everyday.
Keep working it like you are. Make some new friends and don’t drink no matter what. We see when we can see and hear when we can hear. When that happens, you will be thankful for all the work you put into it prior.
Glad you found the true, easier softer way! Great post. Keep it up!
AA has been around a long time for a very good reason; it works. If the alcoholic can put their faith in something other than alcohol, lean on each other and work the steps, it works. Congratulations on taking the tough step and asking for help. It takes a great deal of courage and more than a little desire to be free of the chains of alcoholism to be successful in their sobriety. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and look forward to more of your posts.
Thank you for posting this. I am struggling with myself wondering why the program seems so difficult to buy into. Maybe right now, just listening whenever I decide to go is enough. I just feel like I should be doing more. It’s a tough feeling.
Having trouble with the island of misfit toys? It’s normal! Pretty much everything AA is about and practices, we lived in opposition to and defined ourselves in kind. So, every time I hear someone new say that they don’t relate, it’s not for them, I get it.
I was six years sober before I stopped practicing the “half measures” program and fully committed myself to working the program of AA as designed. And when I did, everything changed. Some days I can’t even find the words to describe the joy that I feel.
Here are a few simple things to consider that I learned.
– There’s nothing to figure out, no problem to solve. AA is there to help you.
– Willpower alone is no match for alcoholism. We need the help of each other. Alcoholics that is.
– Don’t drink no matter what.
– We see when we can see and hear when we can hear. It will come to you.
– Good intentions is not the same as taking action. Do what is suggested.
– it’s really AAA. Awareness, Acceptance, then Action.
Make your first year simple. Don’t drink no matter what. And, go to meetings. That’s it! Find another person you can identify with of the same sex. Tell them your story.
There are two ways to live your life going forward. In love or in fear. Everything about my life was grounded in fear. So much so that I wasn’t even conscious of it in the totality of how it consumed my life so completely. Things are different for me today.
Jim Carrey, not an alcoholic…just human, gave an amazing college commencement speech earlier this year. Much of what he speaks about, I have learned in sobriety. Check his speech out on YouTube.