If You’re New!

Wow, it’s been 3 years since my last posting.  Dang!  And, its been nearly three years since I last logged on.  Things have changed here, there are many cool looking sites now.  I like it!

I am grateful to be sober!  I am connected and enjoying life in the present.  I use to be the biggest skeptic about that possibility.  I want to write a post and share the progression of my journey.  Hope to soon.  In the meantime, thought I’d cut and paste a couple of responses that I shared with other alcoholics that have just begun their sober journey:

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[Less than 30 days, can it be so hard]

It’s damn hard…so be kind to yourself!  What you’re doing is courageous.  Look up the word Courage and stare at the descriptions for a while.  Too many of us treat alcoholism as nothing more than the common cold.  That couldn’t be further from the truth. Alcoholism is a fatal illness.  I heard that before I got sober and I have watched the reality of that, over and over, for some time now.

Recovery does not happen alone, it can’t!  “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”. – Albert Einstein

Find a strategy that works for you to be in “face to face” contact with another alcoholic. Why go through something alone when someone else has already traveled that path.  We need each other.  It gets easier.  Connection/love is everything!

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[I’m a newly sober mom, looking for inspiration]

You’ll do great. Remember this…”every child deserves a sober parent!”  The time your child is with you in life is fleeting. They grow up in a flash and leave your home. Get all of them that you can, when you can!

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Alcohol was my solution.  It worked for a long time, until it didn’t!  Most people drink alcohol with impunity.  But they drink for the enjoyment.  We drank to numb out emotional pain.

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[It’s been four days and nothing is happening]

We want it “RIGHT NOW”!  We stop after years of drinking, drugging, or both, and we want everything fixed NOW!  I get it.  I certainly did too.  Arresting your addiction is a monumental accomplishment.  Less than 1 in 20 can achieve physical sobriety.  If you have stopped, you have accomplished much.  You have earned a ticket to the starting line, a new beginning!  That ticket came at a great cost to you and your loved ones.

You are on a new journey now.  A journey of discovery, recovery and connection.  It was never about the addiction, that was your solution.  It was always about the pain!   The emotional pain that caused you to seek relief through forms of self-medication.

Hey, it’s going to take some time.  And, recovery is not something that happens alone.  Find your posse, your peeps and your recovery plan.  We need the help of others, that’s fundamental.  It may (will) get worse, before it gets better.  You’re now moving forward in life without altering your state of consciousness.  If you’re like most of us who have taken this step, there are things in your past that you would just as well avoid.  Now its time to face them.  It all gets better “EVENTUALLY”.  I’ve not met one person in long-term recovery who regrets moving forward in life from that initial starting line.  Heed the definition of courage.  Involve yourself with others who have traveled the path before you.  A better life awaits!

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[How do I say no to a drink offer]

Say “No”.  If you want to sound more polite, say “No, thank you”.  Both responses are complete sentences.  That’s it!  There is no need to explain any further.  If they persist (most don’t) and say “why not”, you can repeat “No, thank you” or you can say “I feel better when I don’t”.  Then they’ll say, “uh, me too”, and go on talking about how they need to take more healthy steps.

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[A writer with Bipolar]

You’re going to be just fine in life.  You are reaching out and connecting through your talents.

Isolation isn’t healthy for anyone.  Being aware of the problem puts us into the solution. One of my favorite people, Clinical Researcher and author Brene Brown, says “We are neurobiologically wired for connection”.  Check out her TED Talk – The Power of Vulnerability.  An all time TED Talk favorite with 33 million views.

I “have” Bipolar 1.  I didn’t say that “I am” Bipolar 1 or “I’m Bipolar”.  Big distinction between the two.  Just like someone who’s living with a lifelong condition like diabetes doesn’t say “I’m diabetes”.  Those that have diabetes go through the process of educating themselves, putting together a manage plan, and then following that plan daily so that they can lead a normal and productive life.

The disorder dimension of Bipolar is preventable.  Deviate from my manage plan and I put myself at risk.  Stick to my manage plan and I get to enjoy the gifts of having Bipolar – intelligence, creativity, empathy, resilience…and more!

Share your gifts with the world and do good things.  Just as others do with the talents they’ve been given.

Best!

 

Not God!

At two years into my sober journey, I had traveled to the zero point of my soul. I was so full of pain and self-induced suffering that I just stopped and sat down on the floor of my bedroom one day. I became paralyzed. The room felt too big, so I closed the door. That brought me no comfort. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. Still, no relief. So, I got into the shower. In great discomfort, I just dropped to my knees and curdle up into the upper left corner of the shower. It was just me, my tears, and my overwhelming thoughts of stopping the pain for good.

I have heard it said that you live your life forward and understand your life backwards. Makes sense. Hindsight is 20/20, right! Today, I can tell you that I was not alone in my shower six years ago.

I struggled most of my life with the concept of God. As far back as I can remember. Who is this all-knowing and almighty being! Someone that takes deep refuge in the clouds, watches over and protects you? Not buying that! Someone that is all around me that I just can’t see. Not buying that either. So how about just living in the mystery of not needing physical proof and just believing. Yeah, whatever! Maybe when things are going incredibly great. But…but…certainly not when things are going bad! Because then, I’m in charge!

Discomfort was my most comfortable state of being, growing up and well into adulthood. If the discomfort was too much, I eased that discomfort with alcohol. If I felt comfortable, I felt fearful. I never wanted to feel fear. I would always wait for the discomfort to return. But I would also use alcohol to ease that fear. You know, that’s what I believed I deserved…fear and discomfort. And damn it, I was in charge! Not any God. I would not be foolish enough to believe that someone could possibly run my life when things went bad.

Why did I not choose the long-term solution to my short-term problem that day on the floor of my shower. Looking back on that day today, it is clear to me that I was not alone. I remember passing thoughts about the collective souls of those who had passed, but stay in my thoughts, they were there. I also remember the collective souls of those who are living and were trying desperately to help me, they were there. It was my frightened but determined wife. It was my friends, who didn’t understand my pain, but cared about me and wanted to help me in any way possible, they were there. It was my children, all confused and not saying anything, they were there! And nature, the bright sun shining onto the shower floor. The song birds singing, there too!

Today, I am eight years into this sober journey. I am humbled. I am grateful. Happiness fills me daily. Everyday! “God is doing for me what I could not do for myself” (Quote from the Big Book of AA). Everyday! And, everyday, my faith continues to grow stronger. Everyday, the joy that I feel inside grows alongside my faith. And, everyday, I think less and less of my troubles and my needs, and more and more about helping others in need. My intentions become my actions to help others. Those that I can help.

Yes, I traveled to the zero point of my soul, figuratively driving that bus until it just stopped and shutdown. I realize that my seemingly control of everything and everyone was nothing but an illusion. There, beside me on that day was my God.

I know who I am today. I am enough! A husband, a father, a co-worker and a friend. And, I know who I am not today. Not God!

Our Nations Shame

What Can Happen to Abused Children When They Grow Up –           
 
If No One Notices, Listens or Helps?

  For purposes of this document, abuse and trauma are defined as: interpersonal violence in the form of sexual abuse, physical abuse, severe neglect, loss, and /or the witnessing of violence. 

Prepared by The Office of Trauma Services,Maine Department of Behavioral and Developmental Service’s State House Station, Augusta, ME 04333 Phone: 207 287-4250, TTY 207 287-2000, fax 207 287-757  January, 2001

 If no one notices, listens or helps, childhood abuse can lead in adult years to:

 SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS

The mental health system is filled with survivors of prolonged, repeated childhood trauma:

·50 to 70% of all women and a substantial number of men treated in psychiatric settings have histories of sexual or physical abuse, or both.  (Carmen et al, 1984; Bryer et al., 1987; Craine et al., 1988)

 ·As high as 81% of men and women in psychiatric hospitals with a variety of   major mental illness diagnoses have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. 67% of these men and women were abused as children (Jacobson & Richardson, 1987)

 ·74% of Maine’s Augusta Mental Health Institute patients, interviewed as class  members, report histories of sexual and physical abuse. (Maine BDS, 1998)

 ·The majority of adults diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (81%) or  Dissociative Identity Disorder (90%) were sexually and/or physically abused as children.  (Herman et al, 1989; Ross et al, 1990)

 ·Women molested as children are four times more at risk for Major Depression as those with no such history. They are significantly more likely to develop bulimia and chronic PTSD. (Stein et al, 1988; Root & Fallon, 1988; Sloane, 1986; Craine, 1990)

 ·Childhood abuse can result in adult experience of shame, flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use, feelings of humiliation and unworthiness, ugliness and profound terror. (Harris, 1997; Rieker&Carmen, 1986; Herman, 1992; Janoff-Bulman & Frieze, 1983; van der Kolk, 1987; Brown & Finkelhor, 1986; Rimsza, 1988)

 ·Adults abused during childhood are:- more than twice as likely to have at least one lifetime psychiatric diagnosis- almost three times as likely to have an affective disorder- almost three times as likely to have an anxiety disorder- almost 2 ½ times as likely to have phobias- over ten times as likely to have a panic disorder- almost four times as likely to have an antisocial personality disorder  (Stein et al, 1988)

 ·97% of mentally ill homeless women have experienced severe physical and/or sexual abuse. 87% experienced this abuse both as children and as adults.(Goodman, Johnson, Dutton & Harris. (1997)

The Drama of the Gifted Child

All text is © Anita Roy 2004. All rights remain with the author.

Alice Miller’s book The Drama of the Gifted Child is such an affirmation of my belief that what we are modeled to as children – and what we model to our children – is the key to future happiness. When Alice Miller says “gifted” she doesn’t mean academically gifted, but rather the natural gift that we have as children to survive, to find a way to survive when we are confronted with pain, humiliation, anger and sorrow that we cannot express, because we are not safe in doing so. As children, we are neglected and abused in varying degrees, despite the best intentions of our parents. We have nowhere to escape to and so have no choice but to consider our situation a normal life. It becomes our reality as adults unless we become conscious of the process.

As children, we need our parents to survive physically, for food and shelter, and when they cause us pain and suffering, we cannot express ourselves honestly lest we lose those who can meet these most basic of needs. We grow to love our parents because we have not known any other reality, and the ties, the connections, are profound. We are bonded to them and the reality they present us, even if that reality is painful.

We survive by taking the happy times and suppressing feelings about the bad times. We focus on the good times and sometimes, glorify them. The bad feelings don’t go away however, they go underground, and later surface as compulsive behaviors and grandiosity. My father vacillated between delusions of grandeur and depressed alcoholism. These were the recurring themes in a man who was otherwise intelligent, generous and charismatic. He had not had an easy childhood. Being the oldest son of an East Indian family, he had alternately been doted on and pressured into inappropriate responsibilities.

We suffered as children because we were walking on eggs not knowing how he might be mood-wise at any given time. There was a tacit understanding that we had to keep up the illusion of being a successful family. My mother, the enabler, would be equally unpredictable. She was the steadfast backbone of the household, but sometimes, regularly, she would fall apart, emotionally, and lose herself in despair and grief. Loving though she was, she didn’t give the love we *needed*, but only the love she knew how to give, which was to be affectionate and to care for us. She did not see our pain, as no one had seen hers when she was a child. She was looking in all the wrong places for the love she never got from her parents. She was hoping for unconditional love from her husband, but he didn’t know how. The one place where she got close to that kind of love was her babies, but babies aren’t supposed to give their parents the love they never had. Babies have their own needs.

When I realized all this in my personal work I spent a lot of time being pretty angry at them. Furious actually. Both my parents were victims in their own right. It was an edifying time in my life when I realized that my parents were just people who happened to have made babies, and not perfect humans who understood everything. Nevertheless, I had been wounded and I needed to take care of myself.

Paraphrasing Miller, if we don’t become *mindful” of our pain and what happened, then we are condemned to repeat the pattern and make our kids suffer. This is not an easy path, it is fraught with pain and sorrow, but that is the only way to become conscious of which we are. It is “lonely work” and we have to deal with some pretty scary demons. Alternatively, we may look for parent figures in an authoritarian church, political party, domineering husband, Alcoholics Anonymous, or corporate career, so we can exchange personal power for protection just like when we were babies. That protection may be valuable, for a while, until we are stronger: a holding pattern to build courage. But in my experience, at some point, we can no longer stay away from seeking our true selves.

 Quoting Anais Nin:

“And the day came when the risk (it took),to remain tight in the bud was more painful, than the risk it took to blossom”.

All text is © Anita Roy 2004. All rights remain with the author.