Not God!

At two years into my sober journey, I had traveled to the zero point of my soul. I was so full of pain and self-induced suffering that I just stopped and sat down on the floor of my bedroom one day. I became paralyzed. The room felt too big, so I closed the door. That brought me no comfort. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. Still, no relief. So, I got into the shower. In great discomfort, I just dropped to my knees and curdle up into the upper left corner of the shower. It was just me, my tears, and my overwhelming thoughts of stopping the pain for good.

I have heard it said that you live your life forward and understand your life backwards. Makes sense. Hindsight is 20/20, right! Today, I can tell you that I was not alone in my shower six years ago.

I struggled most of my life with the concept of God. As far back as I can remember. Who is this all-knowing and almighty being! Someone that takes deep refuge in the clouds, watches over and protects you? Not buying that! Someone that is all around me that I just can’t see. Not buying that either. So how about just living in the mystery of not needing physical proof and just believing. Yeah, whatever! Maybe when things are going incredibly great. But…but…certainly not when things are going bad! Because then, I’m in charge!

Discomfort was my most comfortable state of being, growing up and well into adulthood. If the discomfort was too much, I eased that discomfort with alcohol. If I felt comfortable, I felt fearful. I never wanted to feel fear. I would always wait for the discomfort to return. But I would also use alcohol to ease that fear. You know, that’s what I believed I deserved…fear and discomfort. And damn it, I was in charge! Not any God. I would not be foolish enough to believe that someone could possibly run my life when things went bad.

Why did I not choose the long-term solution to my short-term problem that day on the floor of my shower. Looking back on that day today, it is clear to me that I was not alone. I remember passing thoughts about the collective souls of those who had passed, but stay in my thoughts, they were there. I also remember the collective souls of those who are living and were trying desperately to help me, they were there. It was my frightened but determined wife. It was my friends, who didn’t understand my pain, but cared about me and wanted to help me in any way possible, they were there. It was my children, all confused and not saying anything, they were there! And nature, the bright sun shining onto the shower floor. The song birds singing, there too!

Today, I am eight years into this sober journey. I am humbled. I am grateful. Happiness fills me daily. Everyday! “God is doing for me what I could not do for myself” (Quote from the Big Book of AA). Everyday! And, everyday, my faith continues to grow stronger. Everyday, the joy that I feel inside grows alongside my faith. And, everyday, I think less and less of my troubles and my needs, and more and more about helping others in need. My intentions become my actions to help others. Those that I can help.

Yes, I traveled to the zero point of my soul, figuratively driving that bus until it just stopped and shutdown. I realize that my seemingly control of everything and everyone was nothing but an illusion. There, beside me on that day was my God.

I know who I am today. I am enough! A husband, a father, a co-worker and a friend. And, I know who I am not today. Not God!

Is AA the way for ME?

“Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” – Confucius

It doesn’t matter what post-addiction support group you choose, what rehab program you choose, what new pledge to stop drinking that you have pledged to whom, etc. If you cannot reach down deep to find the internal strength, arresting the addiction will not happen! I have learned that the same principle applies to lying, cheating, half-truths etc. You cannot lie ,cheat, steal or tell half-truths just a little bit. As you may have hood winked someone else, at the end of the day and everyday, you are accountable to you!

Here’s another quote that I like. “There is no try, only do, or do not. .” – Yoda.

My experience has been that if you leave yourself a back door, the illness of alcoholism will surely find it. I’m really going to “try” this time. I’ll only have one beer or one glass of wine. OK, only on Saturdays, holidays, full moons etc. You’re better off to keep drinking if this is what you are doing. Commit and don’t look back. The gravitational pull of you addiction will be on your heels, wanting you back..now!

Try everything if need be. If AA works for you, all the better. If not, move on. Life is too short. Try Rational Recovery, a church support group on spirituality, Allen Carr’s book, find a good therapist…etc.

I went to AA everyday for two years and I learned a lot. I would recommend checking it out. You will know, in time, whether or not AA is the right place for you. Have an open mind and pay attention.

After my two years in AA, I chose to continue working with a therapist, wholeheartedly embrace my family and friends and renew my involvement in the spiritual path that I grew up with. That said , I still use some of the more noteworthy principles that I learned from AA. They are with me every day!

Don’t be afraid to trust your instincts. Do what’s right for you. Not the person sitting next to you!

How Did This Happen To Me!

Posted 2/22/2010 8:20 AM CST on livestrong.com Community

I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I fell into substance abuse (alcoholism) as an adult, made it into recovery and have been sober for nearly 4 years. I stared down death a couple of times during this dark period of my life. Today, I feel very fortunate that I am alive and standing on solid ground. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for the unwavering support of my family, friends and psychotherapists. I have been on a journey of recovery and self-discovery for the past four years and could not be any happier with my opportunity to live a more enriched life, going forward.

I estimate that I have put over 200 hours into reading, researching and studying science and medical papers on the subject that I would like to share in this post. I find it tragic that with all the recent discoveries in neuroscience and the associated links to addiction and substance abuse; the medical community and, peripherally, the addiction treatment community, have yet to gain any sort of deep understanding that would allow them to adapt and deploy treatment options.

There is an age-old debate whether alcoholism is a disease. I ponder the thought that any evidence of this claim has not been found conclusive. With all the research money and time spent by drug companies, employing molecular biologist to hunt for genetic markers tied to alcoholism, it seems likely that any evidence would have emerged by now. I have read that drug companies have invested in excess of a billion dollar hunting for any sign of genetic markers that show a link to alcoholism.

To me, it seems more likely that some sort of “psychological stress”, seemingly leading to a wide spectrum of mental illnesses, is more aligned on a path that is conducive for substance abuse and addiction. I have read that there is an undeniable association of childhood stress, or varying degrees of abandonment, that link those who predominantly fall victim to substance abuse and addiction. In my readings, abandonment defined is a trauma experienced in the developmental years of our youth. Examples noted were childhood abuse, broken homes, domestic violence, molestation, incest and so on.

There are many forms of childhood abandonment that I read about. Pertaining directly to me, I was physically and emotionally abused by my father. I grew up in a corporal punishment environment that many times, went beyond spanking or your garden variety head slapping or ear flicking. For as long as I can remember, tracing back through my youth, I always had my guard up. I lived in a hyper-vigilant state of always being on guard. After much work, that internal churning is now gone. Free at last, after 48 years!

I have read a great deal about the devastating impact that a constant state of arousal (hyper-vigilance) can deliver to a developing brain. I learned about the HPA-axis, also called the “negative feedback loop”. The HPA-axis defined, is the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortical axis that is part of the endocrine and autonomic systems within our body. In a nutshell, the HPA-axis gives us that “fight or flight” ability by producing the necessary amounts or more of adrenaline and cortisol hormones that will move us away from any real or perceived threat. There is evidence linking the constant state of arousal to mental illnesses that will never completely leave us. Here is an excerpt that I pulled from a study done on the neuroendocrinology of stress.

* Comprehending the mechanistic of the stress response and the increasingly serious sequelae of its deregulation is pivotal to recognize and combat any abnormalities in the stress system. To overcome pathologic hyperactivity of the stress response, it is essential to protect juveniles from trauma and abuse. The more secure the environment, the less likely an individual will experience a stress-related illness. A secondary measure is training stress-prone patients to improve their coping skills, minimizing their reactivity to future stress. In-depth understanding of the neuro-circuitry of stress has provided novel tools to manage hyperactivity of the stress system. Hundreds of original articles and many laboratories have repeatedly implicated corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) in enhancing the organism’s sensitivity to nocuous stimuli and in mobilizing almost the entire cascade of the stress response. By virtue of its broad interactions with the endocrine and autonomic systems, CRH virtually influences every cell in the body. Hyperactivity of CRH is a serious condition that is likely to underlie the pathophysiology of melancholic depression, anxiety, psychosexual disorders, diabetes mellitus, and functional gastrointestinal disorders.

Serotonin is important for adequate coping with stress. Aberrant serotonin function is implicated in the etiology of major depression and anxiety disorders. Dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenocortical axis, involving raised corticotropin-releasing hormone activity, also plays a role in these stress-related illnesses.

I use to have a terrible problem with giving presentations to an audience or even just impromptu talks in front of a group. My problem and symptoms went well beyond the normal nervousness and presentation anxiety that are often present before speaking. The physical symptoms that I experienced were rapid heart beat, abnormal sweating, shortness of breadth and an overwhelming sense of confusion. My autonomic system went into overdrive. One day, after describing this scenario to a psychiatrist, he prescribed the drug Inderal to see if it made an impact toward combating my symptoms.

Inderal is a beta-blocker that temporarily shuts down the adrenaline response. The impact was profound. When I take a very small dosage (5mg) before public speaking, I no longer have any problem nor suffer any of the symptoms that I once did. My “pathologic hyperactivity of the stress response” (but of course) is under control today, thanks to the drug Inderal. I just wish I would have figured this out 20 years earlier in my sales career.

Furthermore, during a routine CT scan of my abdomen, for an unrelated matter, doctors discovered that I have an adrenal cortical adenoma (huh), (benign tumor..oh!) on my adrenal gland. I have read evidence that an adrenal adenoma can develop as a result of over stressing the HPA-axis due to the constant hyperactive and prolonged exposure to cortisol. I believe that the environment that I grew up in had something, if not everything, to do with this adenoma.

Referencing a paper prepared by The Office of Trauma Services, Maine Department of Behavioral and Developmental Service’s State House Station, gives further illustration to the harmful and lifelong impact of childhood abuse:

Childhood abuse can result in adult experience of shame, flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, depression, alcohol and drug use, feelings of humiliation and unworthiness, ugliness and profound terror. (Harris, 1997; Rieker&Carmen, 1986; Herman, 1992; Janoff-Bulman & Frieze, 1983; van der Kolk, 1987; Brown & Finkelhor, 1986; Rimsza, 1988)

Adults abused during childhood are more than twice as likely to have at least one lifetime psychiatric diagnosis almost three times as likely to have an affective disorder almost three times as likely to have an anxiety disorder almost 2 ½ times as likely to have phobias over ten times as likely to have a panic disorder almost four times as likely to have an antisocial personality disorder (Stein et al, 1988).

It appears conclusive that child abuse affects the neural pathways of a developing brain. The resulting effect appears to be damaging to the neuro-circuitry that can no longer efficiently carry the neurotransmitters that travel the connected network of the brain. In the neuro-circuitry, three mono-amine neurotransmitters cited as being affected were serotonin, dopamine and nor epinephrine….neurotransmitters that play a significant role in depression and anxiety.

On a personal level, I have worked with two doctors to come up with the right mix of therapy (Cognitive Beharioural Therapy – CBT) and medication. Currently, I go to therapy sessions with a Psychologist and I have a Psychiatrist that has worked with me to prescribe the right mix of medication. I take the antidepressant Pristiq, Deplin – which is a prescribed “medical food” that helps regulate all three mono-amines neurotransmitters, a GABA supplement, a highly concentrated form of Omega-3 supplement and a high-potency multivitamin supplement. All pills are directed at improving brain function as it relates to neurotransmitters. In addition, I exercise daily, manage my nutritional advice and make sure that I get plenty of sleep. It’s not easy. Working this regime has been a challenge. But, I am committed to it.

The results so far have been awesome. I have never felt better in my life and I have been depression free ever since going on the regiment that I described above. As I travel my sober journey, I look forward to living each day knowing that I am doing all the right things to support a healthy mental balance. I also take part in maintenance visits for psychotherapy, which I highly recommend adjunct to medical treatment.

* Neuroendocrinology of stress by Habib KE, Gold PW, Chrousos GP. Clinical Neuroendocrinology Branch, National Institute of Mental Health, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Maryland, USA. habib@codon.nih.gov
Endocrinol Metab Clin North Am 2001 Sep; 30(3):695-728

Something Personal to Me!

Posted 12/5/2010 9:22 AM CST on livestrong.com Community

I would like to share something that is deeply personal to me. It serves to illustrate what you can do when you work hard at getting the “yuck out”, and your life is given back to you.

I have a goal, or a “higher purpose”, as the folk’s in AA say. My higher purpose has been a guiding light to get sober, stay sober, and also serve as inspiration to reach outside of myself and give back in a small way.

Prior to falling off the rails and into alcoholism, I became involved with helping a child abuse prevention center get off the ground and running. Sadly, at a time when they needed me most, which is always the case in a non-profit, I resigned from my volunteer post. I did that because it was getting in the way of my drinking. We can all fill in the blanks in some way on that one!

Now here’s the good/fun stuff. I am getting back involved with my child abuse prevention interest and have found an even greater capacity to help, having walked through the trail of tears myself. That’s the good news!

The fun, is a video that I’d like to share with you that sums it all up. I made reference to this the other day. I am a big fan of Mary J. Blige. Not only because she is a great talent, but because of her own struggles with addiction and abuse that she has overcome. So, enjoy the music and lyrics if you care to take a look.

Go to http://www.vevo.com. Type in Mary J Blige at the Search and scroll down to the song “Each Tear”. There are multiple versions of the song but I am partial to the one that includes the Italian singer. So look for Each Tear (Italian version). May it inspire you today! I have no personal or promotional interest btw…other than fun and inspiration. Godere!

It’s a Progressive Illness

I was a weekend beer drinker. Until that is, a few beers suddenly became a became a six-pack at every instance. Then a six-pack became a 12 pack, which in turn became an excuse to get home later and then…when I chose.

Somewhere along the way I found Ketel One vodka. What a relief that was. No more beer for the burgeoning beer gut! In no time I was off and running with Ketel One. Yep, one martini became two martini’s, and two martini’s soon became tee martini’s and, on and on. Then I would hop in the car and drive home!

I remember the first time I drank a whole bottle of Ketel One. I proceeded to throw it up. Without missing a beat, I was struck with thought – “hey, I can drink again”. And so I did!! About that time I self-diagnosed myself as a “functional alcoholic”. That worked! My new label had a certain ring of self-control and dignity to it. Order was restored. Truth be told, my self-respect was beginning to wane. I was aware of it and by giving myself the “functional alcoholic” label, I seemingly could better cope with this awareness.

I know things were starting to look a bit out of control, but I still had a few basic rules that I was abiding by! For one, I never started drinking before 7:30am. But as soon as the family pulled out of the driveway for work and school (always at about 7:30) I was mixing a drink. Toward the end of my drinking, I would put away one bottle before noon, take about a two-hour break and then start in on another bottle. Of that bottle, I would leave about an inch so that I could have enough for an “eye opener” the following morning. After my “eye opener” I would wait around to about 9am and then hit the store for more booze.

My prodigious drinking had crossed that “invisible line” and I was completely unaware. I was physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. I had lost the power of choice. I was no longer in control. It didn’t matter how much feeling and belief that I put into my thousands of pledges to stop drinking, I would always break that pledge no matter what. Despite adverse consequences, which were occurring on a more frequent basis, I would always return to the bottle. I could no longer take it or leave it, for “it” had taken me!

Alcoholism is a slippery slope. It is a progressive illness. And it’s damn sneaky too!

Alcoholism’s Gift

I experience internal conflict when I state that quitting alcohol was the easy part.  There is nothing easy about putting down the bottle and getting sober.  It is the journey that awaits you that is also very difficult; in fact, I found it a lot more difficult.  I believe it is that way because we are now going forward in life sober and not numbed out to the world around us!  I wish someone would have given me a heads up about this because it was a rude awakening that I did not find inviting when I started to make this connection.

Three Years!

1,096 days, 42 minutes and 94694685 heart beats, so says the sobriety calculator.  I say that it’s good to be alive and celebrating 3 years of being alcohol free – today!

Graced!  That is how I feel today.  I don’t think of myself as being any sort of deeply religious person, but no better word describes how I feel.  I now realize that taking alcohol out of my body placed me at the starting line of life.  Not a new life, but one that has given me the opportunity to learn who I am.  It has given me the opportunity to put my “false self” behind me and to bring my true and authentic self to the forefront.  At three years into this journey, I am overwhelmed with elation and I look forward to every day in front of me.

Reflecting back three years, for a moment, I have found this journey to be the most difficult thing that I have ever met in my life.  At year one, I was “happy” for the most part.  I was on a ski trip with my daughter for that anniversary and I knew that our trip would not have been if I was still drinking.  What I didn’t realize at the first year mark was that I was still in an unconscious state!  The full impact of the guilt, shame and remorse for the lives that I had affected, while drinking, had yet to wash over me.

 On my second anniversary I was completely paralyzed with fear.  I was definitely conscious and I was hurting.  My critical thinking skills had returned to me and I was seriously questioning the ideology of AA.  I wanted to move in another direction but found myself conflicted with the AA slogan that “this (AA) is the last house on the block.  Only jail, institutions or death await you if you leave AA” brainwashing!  Above all else, I didn’t want to run my life into the ground again.

Full of fear, I struck out on this journey of “self discovery”.  With the help of a great counselor and the love and closeness of my family and friends, I made that journey out of darkness.  I learned to forgive myself (that was tough) and I have found a wonderful life that makes me want to stay sober each and everyday.  I also discovered that all that fear I felt in my second year – it was really courage!  So that was an added bonus.  I now know that courage does not mean that you are walking forward without fear.

If this post apply’s to you in any way, it my sincere wish that you will be able to find your place as a sober person and that you will be able to, or are already taking, an amazing journey of your own!

The Time Element

1,084 days, 6 hours and 42 minutes and…93,667,839 heartbeats!  I have a sober anniversary fast approaching and decided to plug my sobriety date into one of those online sobriety calculators. 

So what does 1,084 days feel like and what does it mean to me?  I am suddenly flooded with clichés related to time.  Such as “time heals all wounds”, “time marches on”, “hindsight is 20/20” and “time takes time” etc.

What does it feel like?  It feels incredibly great.  And by “great” I definitely do not mean all good.  But great in the sense that I now have an awareness, an understanding and acceptance that life is an on-going series of “good” things and “bad” things.  Events that will bring you great joy and happiness and events that will bring you much disappointment and sorrow.  That, I believe is called the Balance of Life!  Knowing and accepting this balance has been gut wrenching at times, confusing, curious and joyful.   Overall, it has been 3 years of real maturing development for me.

One of the best messages that I could pass along to someone who is just joining the ranks of the “ex-drinker” is that Time Takes Time!  That’s a bit redundant and easy to remember.  From my experience, the first thing that I wanted to do newly sober, was fix things as quickly as possible and put back all the time that I thought I had lost.  No doubt there was a ton of wreckage behind me.  I needed to mend relationships, get a job, lose 40 lbs, get my brown lawn looking green again and go out and proclaim what good fortune had come upon me.  In hindsight, I would have been better off going down to the ocean and trying to stop the waves from breaking.  That’s a good visual of what I was trying to do with my life.

If it feels like you are trying to swim against the rapids, chances are good that is exactly what you are doing!  With hindsight and the passage of time, my advice to anyone today would be to recognize what you “want to do post-haste”, put it aside and focus squarely on taking care of yourself.  There is no need for proclamation either.  People are happy that you are showing a want to bring yourself out of a nose dive and they will be supportive of you.  Keep the proclamations in your support circle as a constant need for that and that is the proper place. 

Surround yourself with others who have been there before you and heed their advice.  Learn how to a sober person – that takes time!  Take walks instead of runs.  It took a long time to put on those extra 40 lbs. and it will take time for them to come off.  Water your lawn which will slow you down.  The lawn will eventually turn green again but it will not be over night.  And it will not be restored by flooding it once or twice.  It will come back to life through nurturing and daily care.  Your life will come back to you in this same way.  Turning your face into the sunlight will help too!

Surrender…Surrender Not!

“Try Not! Do, or Do Not! There is no try.”
Yoda

On Feb 9th, it will be 3 years since I “surrendered” to my alcoholism and entered a 28 day treatment center. WOW! Today….it is painfully obvious to me what I would do if I were in that cycling struggle of trying to stop my drinking. I would go to treatment as soon as possible. And, if I didn’t have the money, I would borrow it. Isn’t hindsight amazing! I tried and I tried to get sober for 7 years. But it doesn’t work that way. There is only Do! Unfortunately, we generally have to experience much pain, over and over, before we actually do something about it. Hopefully we don’t die in the process, or worse, kill someone on this destructive journey.

I was commenting to my wife the other day about how I watch the daily struggle on the Sober Dare page. Where it is not so painfully obvious of what to do when one cannot stop drinking, despite continued adverse consequences. If I offer up my advice and tell them what to do, in the kindest way possible, it just seems to fall on deaf ears! Hell, I owned those ears for 7 years!

And So It Begins…..

I have always considered myself to be a pretty good planner. From a very early age onward I seemed to have my life pretty well planned out. Go to school, get good grades, play sports, have fun, graduate, go to college, get a degree, pursue a career, fall in love, get married and have children. Living the American dream had a real appeal to me!

I never considered the fact that things might happen in my life that I had not planned. At about the age of 35, career on an upward path, married with two small children and another on the way, I began to have an affinity for alcohol that seemed to gradually escalate beyond normal social drinking. Hey, who could blame me though for having a good stiff drink or two or three or four! There were now a lot of demands in my life and alcohol just seemed like a pretty good way to offload some of the burden that I had started to feel.

As my family grew, my marriage carried forward and my bank account increased as my career began a meteoric rise, my alcohol consumption kept pace with all of the things that I had so carefully planned for. For the next few years life was pretty darn good!

They say that a DUI is the first legal indication that you might have a serious drinking problem. In fact, you might even be an alcoholic! I learned that in one of the AA meetings that I had been sentenced to attend by the Courts. When my children were the ages of six, four and two, I went out partying one night after work. After leaving the night spot, that I had been at, I drove my vehicle down a winding road on my path homeward. Traveling at about 50 mph, I passed out as I was navigating an s-curve and proceeded up an embankment until my Jeep Cherokee began a barrel roll back onto the road that I had been traveling on. Amazingly, my Jeep came to a stop on all four wheels and did not take out any other vehicles in the process. The police arrived, assessed me for any injuries and then assessed me under the suspicion of driving while intoxicated. When I failed the field sobriety test, I was handcuffed, put in the squad car and driven off to the county jail.

In all my 38 years I had never been arrested. Being arrested was never anything that I had planned for in my life. Neither was the precipitous decline into alcoholism that I had yet to become aware of